I showed up early. Stood in line with hundreds of other hopefuls. Dutifully waited for the woman manning the registration table to assign me a number, pinned that tag right on my shirt and waited for my call.
I was number five hundred and something. They were calling seventy-five when I checked for the third time.
There’s a lot of waiting when you’re auditioning. A lot of time to second-guess, I guess. A lot of time for butterflies to turn into fighter jets right there in your stomach, and doubts to multiply like nobody’s business.
This was way back in my twenties. Before company was electronic and waiting just meant tweeting or updating a status.
Yeah, before we were all so connected.
Just me an a few hundred other singers and dancers waiting all nervous and excited and scared.
Honestly? There wasn’t anything else to do but connect.
There was no way any of us could hide the truth that we were nervous. Of course some tried. Acting the bravado and bravo for them, I guess. Me? I couldn’t help but note that some of us would be chosen, but most of us wouldn’t.
Most of us would fail.
Some would be crushed by it, like number 97 who came out that door crying and didn’t really stop until she’d been sat down and given a talking to by a veteran auditioner who told her there’d be another chance.
Told her there’s always another chance.
I don’t know whatever became of her. I hope she got her chance, hope she’s crushing it now.
I do know that I learned something about connection during the two hours I waited for my call.
We connect when we share truth. Real truth. Honest truth. Truth that says I’m scared, I’m unsure, I’m a bit crushed.
When we become brave enough to be real, we become real enough to connect.
True connection is only possible when life isn’t photo-shopped and when failure isn’t filtered, because the truth is that we are all flawed and we all fail and the beauty of our lives is not in the perfection we want to pretend we have, but in the very real messiness of it.
This was before social media. Before we all started caring enough to show only the very best.
Who wants to get real when everyone else is doing amazing things and always looks fabulous and is totally crushing life?
Supposedly we’re all now more connected than we’ve ever been, because according to the Pew Research Center more of us are using social media.
Our need for connection is one of the most basic needs we have, according to UCLA professor Matthew Lieberman which he discusses in his book “Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect”
We all just want to be seen, to be noticed. To have someone tell us that we’re okay.
But we’re trying to get there by getting likes and hearts, retweets and mentions.
The truth is that social media is not helping people become happier, and actually can lead to increased depression.
Nothing feels more isolating than seeing everyone else’s perfect life, while knowing the truth of your own hot mess.
My call finally came and I did my best but no, I didn’t make the grade. Or the cut. Or whatever. Didn’t get more than half-a-dozen bars into my piece, actually. And yeah, I was a bit crushed. But I didn’t fall to pieces, because honestly? You can’t watch hundreds of people get rejected and not know that you’re not alone when you do too.
Honestly, we’re all a bit of a hot mess and sometimes we’re all a bit crushed.
But there’s always another chance.
~xo,
LuAnne
